Saturday, February 7, 2009

I think it's in the Bible somewhere

After Lorein and I married, I found to my dismay she's a middle squeezer. I, on the other hand, am more civilized and so squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom. It's quite obvious that squeezing from the bottom is better since it eases toothpaste retrieval near the end of the supply. There is also a direct correlation between squeeze placement and cap filthiness. Tubes that have been middle squeezed tend to have their caps covered with old, crusty paste, often precluding the tube from being closed, which of course leads to further crustiness and general hygiene erosion. On the other hand, bottom squeezed tubes are clean, orderly, and are well-known to lead to a higher level of happiness. Since all intelligent people understand this principle, however, I do not feel the need to elaborate further.
Anyway, even though I was a witness to Lorein's shame, I approached the problem as any loving husband would and bought my own toothpaste tube. After a short while, I was able to train Lorein in the ways of enlightened people everywhere, and we discarded the extra tube. Imagine my dismay, then, when I entered the bathroom and saw this:

Ahhhhh!! What fiendish ghoul entered my sanctuary to disrupt and sully?! After some investigation, it turned out it was Lorein! I was mystified -- why had she suddenly returned to her brutish ways? Was she mad at me? Had I angered her in some unknown way? I asked her, but she responded in the negative. Actually, she said "at least the cap isn't dirty". Again, as a loving husband, I felt I could live with that. I mean, Lorein has a baby to care for and is working part-time; I could adjust to a middle-squeezed tube so long as the cap wasn't dirty.
So again imagine my dismay when a few days later I went to brush my teeth and found the cap covered in old, crusty paste. And lo and behold, the crust was so thick it was impossible to close the cap. I didn't know what to do. I again asked Lorein what I had done to deserve such treatment, but she still kept her secret close. And so I ask you who know Lorein as your friend: has she deposited her secret with you? Do you know the true purpose behind this nefarious deed? Please inform me and you can quite possibly take credit for saving our marriage!
Oh, and another thing. We bought the six toothbrush pack at Costco. Under California community property law, three of those toothbrushes were rightfully mine, yet Lorein used four leaving me with only two! Why did she hork my toothbrush? Was it merely because it was pink? Did she think I would not want a pink toothbrush? If so, she's probably right, but she could've at least asked me. Oh, I am to be so pitied.

11 comments:

Rich and Cheryl said...

Chris- maybe you should use trial sized toothpaste. Some vendors will even give you a box of 50 for free. This would force Wren to squeeze from the bottom to get the toothpaste out and you would use the tube up before it can crust.

Breezy said...

all middle squeezers, UNITE!!! lorein, you got to stand for something.

Kathy said...

Sorry Lorein...you can be a middle squeezer, but I have to agree with Chris on the clean part. I can't stand crusty open toothpaste, I like it neat and clean. By the way Chris, I don't feel any pity for you, I think you will survive :)

Mary Ann said...

Chris you went Monk on this topic...it's just weird.....

Phyllis said...

"The course of true love never did run smooth"- Lysander in A Midsummer Nights Dream .Hey Chris scrap the crusty part off, and roll the bottum up. It takes 15 seconds;
It is tooth past which you put in your mouth. You can touch it. Sacrifice for the love of your life.
Or you can have two tooth past tubes- His and Hers. Lorein can be free, free to choose!
Or maybe a better Shakespear quote would be, "Much Ado About Nothing."

Unknown said...

I had Kathy time how long it took me to convert a middle squozen tube into a bottom squozen tube. 3 seconds.

In any event, I think this is the first time im my life I have used the word squozen.

Phyllis said...

I was wondering about this incendiary post of Chris's,and I thought it must be a slow news day. But then George reminded me that this is Feb. Right! Sweeps month, and there are millions of advertising dollars at stake. Throw the wife under the bus and go for the money.
Finally I understood.
Also I was thinking all of the toothpaste now comes in plastic tubes that it makes no difference if you squeeze from the top or the bottom, they still revert to form. Or are you buying the cheap ones from China with arsenic in them? They could still be metal. Please say no.
Thanks to Am we know exactly how much time and suffering you will have to do to rectify this problem. I like things quantified.

Kent said...

Bonus points for this post because you used the word "hork".

This might surprise Lorein, but I'm gonna defend her on this one. I am also a middle squeezer. While you are probably correct that it is cleaner/more efficient, I would like to point out that it takes less time to just squeeze from the middle than concentrating on the end of the tube.

Beverly said...

***sigh***...that is all I'm going to say.

Shari said...

man -- way much shakespeare here! i believe we covered this topic at the wedding shower and we had agreement -- maybe it was on two tubes. anyway, i did notice recently on my toothpaste, it must be crest, it actually said to squeeze from the bottom. i will have to check it out when i get home.

Shari said...

Okay, this has sent me on an interesting journey and may reveal the influence of more lawyers on this controversy. The old crest toothpaste tube says: FOR BEST RESULTS: -Start with a professional cleaning - Brush regularly to help prevent the return of ugly tartar guild-up above the gumline - Use dental floss - Have regular professional cleanings to remove tartar build-up.

The new Crest tube says nothing about this, but FOR BEST RESULTS, SQUEEZE TUBE FROM THE BOTTOM AND FLATTEN AS YOU GO UP. Apparently someone with the same pet peeve has gained power, and actual oral health is no longer as important as how we squeeze the tube.

Also, differing advice. Both tubes tell you to call poison control "right away" if more toothpast than used for brushing is accidentally swallowed -- is this really a problem? Both tell you not to swallow the toothpaste. Here is where they differ: old: "to minimize swallowing use a pea-sized amount in children under 6". New: nothing about this, but only gives advice for adults and children over 12: "apply at least a 1-inch strip of the product onto a soft bristled toothbrush. I may have to call the Crest 800 number to find out more!